Current mood:	tired
Current music:	None

Long time no see...
Quote of the day: “It gave me the chills when I see him....” -caller on Loveline

It’s been awhile since I’ve last updated my journal. The pervious September and October months had been really rough on me; I couldn’t find a job and my MCAT scores weren’t up to par, again. Family had been nagging on both accounts and I’ve just been down back then. But it wasn’t all bad because one of my dear friends just got married early October, another one is now engaged, another one was recently proposed to, and my cousin is finally getting married at age 30. Seems like a lot of people are getting married now and I’m happy for them and I wish them the best of luck on everything.

It’s funny how differently guys and girls approach weddings. All of my girl friends were so excited when their friend was getting married and they couldn’t stop talking about it with other friends or coworkers. Although I was genuinely happy for my friend’s engagement, after talking to her on the phone I just plopped on the couch and surfed the tube and I found that many of my guy friends did the same. As a biologist/geneticist, I understand why guys and girls view marriage so differently and I just happen to fall victim to human nature so it’s was unavoidable.

I thought of a person that I haven’t thought about in a long while now and that person is my dad. Just typing the word “dad” gives me chills since we’re talking about MY dad and not somebody else’s. I listened to Loveline as I drove back home and a 21 year old woman asked if it was a good idea to get back together with her father. The dad left her life when she was about two years old and he tried to enter her life again when she was about seven or eight. Each time she saw her dad at the time, she got the chills so she decided not to see him anymore. The dad is an alcoholic and also has anxiety disorder although he’s been sober for about eight years. The dad is trying to made amends with her but she is blocking him out. Her question is if she should continue blocking him out.

Now granted my dad wasn’t an alcoholic nor does he have anxiety disorder but he has been out of my life ever since I was 8 months old. I first saw him when I was about 5 years old and he tried to come back in my life when I was about 11 but failed. I’ve talked with many of you on how I should approach this should I see him again in the future. Should I make amends? Should I not? Do I invite him to my wedding in the future? At this point I really don’t want to see him because the damage has been done and it can never be corrected. I never would wish someone ill and he is no exception but I hope he will be out of my life. I know it’s strong words but I really do mean it. It’s not because I hate him for not being there for me when I was younger but because I think I know how I would act should I see him. If he was in trouble I would help him or if he needed a place until the day he dies I would offer my place and THAT’S what kills me. I know I am a nice guy but this is beyond it because, even though we can’t change the past, he will ALWAYS be my father whether I like it or not. I’m going to stop it here because it’s beginning to be too much for me.

On the happier note, I finally found a job and I have a season of roller hockey under my belt. I’m not the best player on the team but I feel like I’m a better player than before and I can continue to improve. Cheers until next time.